The real reason evolution started..😂
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A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Order here:
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Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤