Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
You Might Also Like
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.