Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
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I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Okay, I’m still confused…
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
this is how life feels
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
😎 🍻