what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
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*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.