If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
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Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
it’s the silliest best thing
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.