Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
You Might Also Like
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.