*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
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A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
shit just got real
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.