So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
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“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”