Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
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Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
why isn’t he texting back
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
They’re the worst 😩
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.