I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
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Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
dream blunt rotation
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Oh. My. God.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.