[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
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Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
This makes total sense…
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Not recommended for beginners.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??