I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
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Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
road rage
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?