I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
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Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Me trying to walk in a dream
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”