ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
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Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other