Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
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Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?