My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
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If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.