“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
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One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”