“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
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I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Just why bro?!
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.