Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
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The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Well, this explains it:
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me