If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
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Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”