Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
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[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
Dead
Alive
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