Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
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[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Well, this certainly took a turn
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Breaking news:
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
In banana years, I am bread.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for