If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
You Might Also Like
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car