You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
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Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
saving face 👀
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
we’re gonna need another temp
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Dammit Chief not again
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”