Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
You Might Also Like
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn