Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
You Might Also Like
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-