I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
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*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats