Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
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“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!