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What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.