This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
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Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
are they though??
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess