Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
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I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed