*gets down on one knee*
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Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous