Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
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I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
My first child will be named New Folder.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Any time a child tries to guess my age.