May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
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Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.