Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
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I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help