Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
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Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.