It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
You Might Also Like
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES