[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
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Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
I’d love this…lol
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake