Unexpected Judgment
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COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die