ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
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the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Goodnight 🐶
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
❤️🦆
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”