With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
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I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.