When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
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An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Me buying fruit and veg
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE