me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
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Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Body by cheese-puffs.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say