[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
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A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
accurate
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Called it
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*