Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
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This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.