To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
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Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it