ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
You Might Also Like
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
All right stop, coagulate and thicken