I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
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Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
happy valentine’s day to me
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.