“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
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Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
me when i see my girls butt
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself