Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
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lol
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing